Because I'm a huge nerd...

Yes, I know the Oscars are ridiculous and are in no way indicative of the actual best movies that come out in a given year. But whether due to nostalgia, wishful thinking, or general geekery, I get excited about them every year. These are might guesses and personal choices.

BEST PICTURE
AVATAR <----- Will win
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS <----- Should win
PRECIOUS
UP IN THE AIR
UP
AN EDUCATION
A SERIOUS MAN
DISTRICT 9
THE BLIND SIDE

Of these, Basterds is by far my favorite. I was iffy on the 10 nominees, but I like at least half of them. I'm hoping against hope that this award will go to The Hurt Locker, but not holding my breath. I think this might Cameron's second big win. Just give it to him and let's be done with it.

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges - CRAZY HEART <----- Will win
George Clooney - UP IN THE AIR
Colin Firth - A SINGLE MAN
Morgan Freeman - INVICTUS
Jeremy Renner - THE HURT LOCKER <----- Should win

Haven't seen Crazy Heart, but I can't complain about Jeff Bridges getting an Oscar. He's certainly earned it. How did George Clooney get a nomination just for doing his best George Clooney imitation? Jeremy Renner was amazingly understated and weighty though. I'd give it to him.

BEST ACTRESS
Meryl Streep - JULIE & JULIA
Carey Mulligan - AN EDUCATION <----- Should win
Gabourey Sidibe - PRECIOUS
Sandra Bullock - THE BLIND SIDE <----- Will win
Helen Mirren - THE LAST STATION

I fucking hate Sandra Bullock and haven't/won't ever watch The Blind Side, but she's definitely gonna win. Carey Mulligan was fantastic though. If only it were about skill...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS <----- Will win/Should win
Woody Harrelson - THE MESSENGER
Christopher Plummer - THE LAST STATION
Stanley Tucci - THE LOVELY BONES
Matt Damon - INVICTUS

Easily the biggest/most deserved lock of the ceremony.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Vera Farmiga - UP IN THE AIR
Anna Kendrick - UP IN THE AIR <----- Should win
Mo'nique - PRECIOUS <----- Will win
Penelope Cruz - NINE
Maggie Gyllenhaal - CRAZY HEART

I'm indifferent toward this category, not only because there's no way Mo'nique won't win. But I thought Anna Kendrick was really good.

BEST ANIMATED FILM
UP <----- Will win
CORALINE
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
THE SECRET OF KELLS
THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX <----- Should win

I love Pixar as much as the next guy, but Fox too good to deny. Fox for the upset!

BEST DIRECTOR
Kathryn Bigelow - THE HURT LOCKER
James Cameron - AVATAR <----- Will win/Should win
Quentin Tarantino - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Jason Reitman - UP IN THE AIR
Lee Daniels - PRECIOUS

I have a truckload of issues with Avatar, but nobody worked harder for this award than James Cameron.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Nick Hornby - AN EDUCATION
Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell - DISTRICT 9
Jesse Armstrong and Armando Iannucci - IN THE LOOP <----- Should win
Geoffrey Fletcher - PRECIOUS
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner - UP IN THE AIR <----- Will win

Man, if In the Loop won this award I would be soooo happy. Up in the Air is a lock though.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Quentin Tarantino - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS <----- Will win/Should win
Mark Boal - THE HURT LOCKER
Pete Docter and Bob Peterson - UP
Oren Moverman and Alessandro Camon - THE MESSENGER
Joel and Ethan Coen - A SERIOUS MAN

The second biggest no brainer of the year.

BEST ART DIRECTION
AVATAR
THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR. PARNASSUS <----- Will win
SHERLOCK HOLMES <---- Should win
THE YOUNG VICTORIA
NINE

Loved Holmes' set design.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
THE HURT LOCKER <----- Will win/Should win
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
THE WHITE RIBBON
AVATAR
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

If they give it to anything but The Hurt Locker they need their eye-meat checked. How the fuck did Avatar get this nomination?

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
THE YOUNG VICTORIA
THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR. PARNASSSUS
BRIGHT STAR
NINE
COCO BEFORE CHANEL <----- Will win/Should win?

I haven't seen any of these... but it's a movie about Coco Chanel. Logic dictates that the Oscar goes to...

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
FOOD, INC.
THE COVE <---- Will win/Should win
BURMA VJ
THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA
WHICH WAY HOME

God, The Cove is fucking disturbing. But this is just a guess.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
"China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province"
"Music by Prudence"
"Rabbit a la Berlin"
"The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner"
"The Last Truck: The Closing of a GM Plant"

BEST EDITING
AVATAR <---- Will win
THE HURT LOCKER <---- Should win
DISTRICT 9
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
A PROPHET
THE WHITE RIBBON <----- Will win/Should win
AJAMI
EL SECRETO DE SUS OJOS
THE MILK OF SORROW

Haven't gotten a chance to see this, but Haneke deserves an Oscar.

BEST MAKEUP
STAR TREK <----- Will win/Should win
THE YOUNG VICTORIA
IL DIVO

This might be a shot in the dark, but otherwise Trek's going away with nothing. I bet they'll sneak this one in. Plus, Nero looks badass.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
AVATAR
FANTASTIC MR. FOX
THE HURT LOCKER
SHERLOCK HOLMES <----- Should win
UP <----- Will win

Not a huge fan of any of these. But I liked the jaunty tunefulness of Holmes' score.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
"Almost There" - THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
"Down in New Orleans" - THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
"Loin de Panama" - PARIS 36
"Take It All" - NINE
"The Weary Kind" - CRAZY HEART

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
"French Roast
"Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty"
"The Lady and the Reaper"
"Logorama"
"A Matter of Loaf or Death

BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT
"The Door"
"Instead of Abracadabra"
"Kavi"
"Miracle Fish"
"The New Tenants"

BEST SOUND EDITING
AVATAR <----- Will win
DISTRICT 9
STAR TREK <----- Should win
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
UP

BEST SOUND MIXING
AVATAR <----- Will win
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
STAR TREK <----- Should win
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

I know all the tech stuff is going to Avatar, but I love, love, love the sound design of Trek.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
AVATAR <----- Will win/Should win
DISTRICT 9
STAR TREK

Honestly, I prefer the look of the visual effects in Trek, but there's no denying the skill behind Avatar's CG.

Boondock Saints (1998) & Bad Boys II (2003)

Boondock Saints (1998; written and directed by Troy Duffy)

I work at a video store. I don't get paid much, but I like having a job where I get to talk about movies all day. There other day I'm chatting with a fellow about some shared favorite films when he brings up Boondock Saints. He proceeds to tell me how amazing it is, how he cannot wait to see the sequel, and how he's never met anyone who didn't like it. Oh, how happy I was to be his first.

Boondock Saints is an abomination punctuated by a handful of intriguing moments. An affront and exploitation to the name of cinema on a Michael Bay level. I have chosen to write about it because, for better or worse (it's worse), it's gained an ardent, widespread cult following. I will never understand why. The movie is witless, homophobic, messily constructed Tarantino masturbation. The story concerns Irish twin brothers (you know they're Irish because they have over the top Boston accents and pray with rosaries a lot) who've had it up to here with "evil" people and decide to take matters into their own hands (if you want to see this premise executed well, check out the first season of Dexter. Stop after that.). They set out on a killing spree, murdering crime bosses, drug dealers, and other super evil dudes. Hot on their trail is a detective who likes to dramatically reenact the crime scenes. Most of the movie's exposition is thanks to detective Smecker piecing the crimes together through flashbacks - a pretty neat trick, used to oblivion.

Oh fuck -- sorry, an aside: I just read an IMDb user comment that said, in comparison to Pulp Fiction, that this movie "takes non-linear storytelling to a level Tarantino was never able to go". Like hell. This entire thing apes the most popular aspects of Tarantino's brilliant early work (the dialogue and structure), never coming within a mile of even his worst movie. Duffy is to Tarantino as Roland Emmerich is to Steven Spielberg. Bullcuss.

Ahem, I'm back. On with the review: The dialogue. As mentioned, the dialogue is largely a collage of "Tarantino-esque" pop culture references, vulgarity, and little meta-references to fact that - whoa! - they're in a movie. The biggest difference is that I can't imagine Tarantino ever writing a character as blatantly homophobic as Willem Dafoe's Paul Smecker. You see, Smecker is gay, so it's OK for him to say "fag", but he's also ashamed of his homosexuality, so it's OK for you to like him. It's really a shame, because Dafoe gives far and away the most electric performance in the film. If only I didn't feel like the gay movement was moving backwards purely by virtue of his being on screen, I would say he gives a great performance - a master-class in scenery chewing.

The majority of the movie is made up of graphically violent shoot outs in slow-mo with a little plot to move things forward. Did I like anything? As mentioned, Willem Dafoe's performance deserves a much better movie. There's also a scene where the brothers quickly cauterize their wounds with an iron that I thought was quite intense. Also, I admit I laughed at the cat scene. Otherwise, it's a total write-off.

The flick was dumped unceremoniously onto video without a theatrical release and, since, it has gained a big audience. My question: Why? What about this movie - other than stylistic flash - is better than the majority of films in that Tarantino-wannabe, late-90's subgenre? I can't think of anything; indeed, I think of many aspects in which it's much worse. I'd take Keifer Sutherland's Truth or Consequences, N.M. or Things to do in Denver When You're Dead over this crap any day.

As the aforementioned Boondock-fan left the video store he snidely remarked that I was more than welcome to my own wrong opinion. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. If hating Boondock Saints is wrong, I don't ever want to be right.

Bad Boys II (2003; directed by Michael Bay, written by Ron Shelton et al.)

Holy shit. Just... holy shit.

Is this a movie? I'm not sure. I commented to a friend that I loved Bad Boys II because it was the first time I "got" Michael Bay. I think - if Transformers 2 is any indication - that this is the movie Michael Bay would make if he had complete complete creative control over all of his movies. It's nonsensical, totally incoherent, inaccurate in nearly every depiction of drugs or drug use, and is flat-out, undeniably racist.

First, the drugs. I gotta talk about this. Has Michael Bay ever done drugs? Or seen drugs being taken? Is he on the payroll of an anti-drug company? I'm no druggy, but I've indulged and have friends that do them more regularly than me. In this movie, Martin Lawrence's character takes two caps of E and loses his shit completely. He starts rubbing everything (realistic) and then begins bugging out, stripping down, and sweating like a marathon runner (unrealistic). There's a scene in Transformers 2 where one of the characters eats pot brownies and goes totally berserk. You know what happens to people who eat pot brownies? They chill out, watch a movie, maybe look at their hands for awhile or have a nap. They don't break up a total stranger's game of frisbee and tumble in the grass. Given the way that he porns up the military in his movies, I wouldn't be surprised if his grossly inaccurate portrayal of drugs serves an inverse agenda.

On that note, this must be Michael Bay's most militarily exploitive film. Military squads and tactical police units show up for little to no reason - in one instance, they chase a nebulously evil boat and destroy it with no regard for the people onboard. In another, an entire elite tactical squad is called in to break up a Klu Klux Klan rally. Why? I'll tell you why: Because it's fucking badass. According to Michael Bay, at least.

The most strikingly bad aspect of the movie is the racism. Oh lord, the racism. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence talk like caricatures of black people. They get into regular racist exchanges with two Cuban cops (Don't you just love that Bay is bringing racial segregation back?). The Cuban antagonist is shocking: I'm convinced that the writer's only contact with Cubans is Scarface. Another scene involves the two protagonists driving through an impoverished shantytown, killing at least a few dozen people. There's also a joyously hateful scene in which Smith and Lawrence bond over verbally abusing Lawrence's daughters' date at the front door. The scene is so mean-spirited - enhanced by the fact that, apparently, Bay went out of his way to make the poor actor playing the boy afraid of Martin Lawrence and neglected to mention a gun would be involved in the scene - it's jaw-dropping.

I had the urge to watch this movie while rewatching the brilliant Hot Fuzz. In all honesty, if you watch it with the same playful detachment of that, much better movie's protagonists, you'll probably enjoy it. Bad Boys II's sound and fury makes for a bullet-riddled pastiche of pointless camera trickery. A fascinating train wreck. Enjoy.