Boondock Saints (1998; written and directed by Troy Duffy)
I work at a video store. I don't get paid much, but I like having a job where I get to talk about movies all day. There other day I'm chatting with a fellow about some shared favorite films when he brings up Boondock Saints. He proceeds to tell me how amazing it is, how he cannot wait to see the sequel, and how he's never met anyone who didn't like it. Oh, how happy I was to be his first.
Boondock Saints is an abomination punctuated by a handful of intriguing moments. An affront and exploitation to the name of cinema on a Michael Bay level. I have chosen to write about it because, for better or worse (it's worse), it's gained an ardent, widespread cult following. I will never understand why. The movie is witless, homophobic, messily constructed Tarantino masturbation. The story concerns Irish twin brothers (you know they're Irish because they have over the top Boston accents and pray with rosaries a lot) who've had it up to here with "evil" people and decide to take matters into their own hands (if you want to see this premise executed well, check out the first season of Dexter. Stop after that.). They set out on a killing spree, murdering crime bosses, drug dealers, and other super evil dudes. Hot on their trail is a detective who likes to dramatically reenact the crime scenes. Most of the movie's exposition is thanks to detective Smecker piecing the crimes together through flashbacks - a pretty neat trick, used to oblivion.
Oh fuck -- sorry, an aside: I just read an IMDb user comment that said, in comparison to Pulp Fiction, that this movie "takes non-linear storytelling to a level Tarantino was never able to go". Like hell. This entire thing apes the most popular aspects of Tarantino's brilliant early work (the dialogue and structure), never coming within a mile of even his worst movie. Duffy is to Tarantino as Roland Emmerich is to Steven Spielberg. Bullcuss.
Ahem, I'm back. On with the review: The dialogue. As mentioned, the dialogue is largely a collage of "Tarantino-esque" pop culture references, vulgarity, and little meta-references to fact that - whoa! - they're in a movie. The biggest difference is that I can't imagine Tarantino ever writing a character as blatantly homophobic as Willem Dafoe's Paul Smecker. You see, Smecker is gay, so it's OK for him to say "fag", but he's also ashamed of his homosexuality, so it's OK for you to like him. It's really a shame, because Dafoe gives far and away the most electric performance in the film. If only I didn't feel like the gay movement was moving backwards purely by virtue of his being on screen, I would say he gives a great performance - a master-class in scenery chewing.
The majority of the movie is made up of graphically violent shoot outs in slow-mo with a little plot to move things forward. Did I like anything? As mentioned, Willem Dafoe's performance deserves a much better movie. There's also a scene where the brothers quickly cauterize their wounds with an iron that I thought was quite intense. Also, I admit I laughed at the cat scene. Otherwise, it's a total write-off.
The flick was dumped unceremoniously onto video without a theatrical release and, since, it has gained a big audience. My question: Why? What about this movie - other than stylistic flash - is better than the majority of films in that Tarantino-wannabe, late-90's subgenre? I can't think of anything; indeed, I think of many aspects in which it's much worse. I'd take Keifer Sutherland's Truth or Consequences, N.M. or Things to do in Denver When You're Dead over this crap any day.
As the aforementioned Boondock-fan left the video store he snidely remarked that I was more than welcome to my own wrong opinion. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. If hating Boondock Saints is wrong, I don't ever want to be right.
Bad Boys II (2003; directed by Michael Bay, written by Ron Shelton et al.)
Holy shit. Just... holy shit.
Is this a movie? I'm not sure. I commented to a friend that I loved Bad Boys II because it was the first time I "got" Michael Bay. I think - if Transformers 2 is any indication - that this is the movie Michael Bay would make if he had complete complete creative control over all of his movies. It's nonsensical, totally incoherent, inaccurate in nearly every depiction of drugs or drug use, and is flat-out, undeniably racist.
First, the drugs. I gotta talk about this. Has Michael Bay ever done drugs? Or seen drugs being taken? Is he on the payroll of an anti-drug company? I'm no druggy, but I've indulged and have friends that do them more regularly than me. In this movie, Martin Lawrence's character takes two caps of E and loses his shit completely. He starts rubbing everything (realistic) and then begins bugging out, stripping down, and sweating like a marathon runner (unrealistic). There's a scene in Transformers 2 where one of the characters eats pot brownies and goes totally berserk. You know what happens to people who eat pot brownies? They chill out, watch a movie, maybe look at their hands for awhile or have a nap. They don't break up a total stranger's game of frisbee and tumble in the grass. Given the way that he porns up the military in his movies, I wouldn't be surprised if his grossly inaccurate portrayal of drugs serves an inverse agenda.
On that note, this must be Michael Bay's most militarily exploitive film. Military squads and tactical police units show up for little to no reason - in one instance, they chase a nebulously evil boat and destroy it with no regard for the people onboard. In another, an entire elite tactical squad is called in to break up a Klu Klux Klan rally. Why? I'll tell you why: Because it's fucking badass. According to Michael Bay, at least.
The most strikingly bad aspect of the movie is the racism. Oh lord, the racism. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence talk like caricatures of black people. They get into regular racist exchanges with two Cuban cops (Don't you just love that Bay is bringing racial segregation back?). The Cuban antagonist is shocking: I'm convinced that the writer's only contact with Cubans is Scarface. Another scene involves the two protagonists driving through an impoverished shantytown, killing at least a few dozen people. There's also a joyously hateful scene in which Smith and Lawrence bond over verbally abusing Lawrence's daughters' date at the front door. The scene is so mean-spirited - enhanced by the fact that, apparently, Bay went out of his way to make the poor actor playing the boy afraid of Martin Lawrence and neglected to mention a gun would be involved in the scene - it's jaw-dropping.
I had the urge to watch this movie while rewatching the brilliant Hot Fuzz. In all honesty, if you watch it with the same playful detachment of that, much better movie's protagonists, you'll probably enjoy it. Bad Boys II's sound and fury makes for a bullet-riddled pastiche of pointless camera trickery. A fascinating train wreck. Enjoy.
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